gone

true feelings.

insecure. the one thing you shouldn't say.

feeling fantastic within the comfort of your home and then not so much once the sun hits your shoes.

boldness. sometimes a good thing but in moderation.

i have it for those who are around me but newcomers...it's barely a glimmer....

then again it does depend on how i feel and the time of day....

isolation. my friend. oh how i love and loathe you. such a beautiful compainion you are and yet so cold to me.

betrayal, ignor..ance(in the sense of ingoring). why has everyone seem to turn their back on me. everything we held to standard is dead and rotten. our words and values fall from our lips with agony and disgust. none hold water and yet i still hold out my hand tocapture even a drop of what's left. done my part only to have the ball dropped by another....now i stand alone .

the last knight of the old order and as i once did. i feel so ....ISOLATED. ABADONED. BETRAYED. whatever happened to our dreams? our hopes....our intigrity? was i the only one who cared? did i take them for granted? was i the one....impervious to the ways of the world? does no one listen...DO WE THROW OUR HEARTS IN DUST AND PRAY FOR RAIN. RAIN'S SWEET DROPLETS TO SANITIZE OUR FORGETFULNESS...OF OUR PROMISE TO EACH OTHER?!

i feel so....deserted. not lonely but deserted....i know my quest. my path is just and possible. i only wish that others thought theirs were too.

or was that it?

did they really not care anymore or did they not care at all from the beginning? maybe i was the only one who thought we could come out victorious? to rise above. to rise to the occassion that had presented itself and spit in the eye of "NO!" AND "YOU'RE NOT STRONG ENOUGH"

maybe i just held it dear...maybe

maybe....i had to. maybe that's all i had....maybe that's all i have.

i feel like a knight in armor....garments beaten and weathered. i walk in sand, wind hitting me in the face and somehow behind me i can see the footsteps of those who had once fought with me in the sand. and now i can see their figures fade in the distance with the sand not fighting them...but still me.

i'm dragging my sword...trying to shelter myself with my battered shield....the tears sting with heat and then freeze to my face.

i have to.......all is falling away....why?

why did they not hang in there...why did they not tell me when they were beginning to falter? why did they not listen to my warnings? i wanted to help...and not....i'm isolated. deserted without a care.....we were in it together....or so i thought.

NOW I'M HERE.