nothing like a great movie!

i'm watching lord of the rings for the millionth time and enjoying every minute of it. i think that it is healthy to watch your favorite films again every so often. and since i am going into this vast world of artistry filmmaking. i found it highly logical to bring along some of my favorite movies. the matrix trilogy, the lord of the rings trilogy and start trek....and i plan on adding to my collection that i can bring with me(since i leave the others at home with the family).

....i plan on buying doctor who series for christmas along with a new camera...i'm so excited about it! i love photography and so having my own professional camera will be fantastic!

strange things happening to me

well, not so strange and strange as in a good way. it's funny, i noticed a couple of days ago that i treat my facebook status like a radio show or a blog...which is odd cause i have a blog and don't even post in it. so, i decided that on this morning at 4:44am. i would post here..and i just noticed another odd thing...the last time..well this morning when i was posting on my "radio show" it was 2:22am and now here it is 2 hours and 24 minutes and about...well now it's 2 hours and 26 minutes seeing as it is now 4:46am.

but anyways, i'm up and thinking as always. i would say that i am making good use of the ol' organ up there. i've been psycho analyzing myself lately. i'm a bit nervous about my grand directorial debut and it's getting in the way of shooting my semester film. uh...it's not good. i mean my nervousness. the film is actually very good. :D but anyways, i'm just..i know i can do it. i know i can. it's just the getting started is all.

but i have it inside...i have the drive, but once monday comes i'll be pushed out there to act on what in there. my chase scene has yet to be done, for the reasons already stated and so my time to well...to film my actual short hand...directorial debut will be upon me. which is good..cause i need a kick in the pants.

i am very excited though....nervous to start but very excited nonetheless.

i had also been thinking about what i want to achieve since i have been a bit hesitant ,which is a word a don't like but let's face it that's what i've been, and i'm ambitious about my goals but hey why not be....

i think big, so why not dream big. the two go hand in hand. so, as i was thinking i thought about female directors and how they aren't prominent and how i want to be the first real prominent female director...i want that. ever since i was a kid, i ran with the boys. i was my own person but i could run with the best of them. so i want to work hard and break that record or be in that place hold.....

daily murmurs

so, i felt upset and disapointed but i feel better. good conversation can do that.

uhhhhh...

i'm really hitting that time period where everyone is beginning that new stage of their lives that will inadvertinally give way to the rest of our lives. and it's justbecoming...a bit typical and yet not but you hear these things and you don't necessarily think that it would happen but they do. i guess it's the idea to do something...be something extrodinary ad to see people...cut themselves short somewhat devestates me...

i'm moved to almost tears and i can't almost stand it.

WE WERE TO BE GREAT! ALL OF US...TOGETHER...

well i suppose small disappointments are going to happen just make yourself strong to keep them from yourself.

ending my rant.

gone

true feelings.

insecure. the one thing you shouldn't say.

feeling fantastic within the comfort of your home and then not so much once the sun hits your shoes.

boldness. sometimes a good thing but in moderation.

i have it for those who are around me but newcomers...it's barely a glimmer....

then again it does depend on how i feel and the time of day....

isolation. my friend. oh how i love and loathe you. such a beautiful compainion you are and yet so cold to me.

betrayal, ignor..ance(in the sense of ingoring). why has everyone seem to turn their back on me. everything we held to standard is dead and rotten. our words and values fall from our lips with agony and disgust. none hold water and yet i still hold out my hand tocapture even a drop of what's left. done my part only to have the ball dropped by another....now i stand alone .

the last knight of the old order and as i once did. i feel so ....ISOLATED. ABADONED. BETRAYED. whatever happened to our dreams? our hopes....our intigrity? was i the only one who cared? did i take them for granted? was i the one....impervious to the ways of the world? does no one listen...DO WE THROW OUR HEARTS IN DUST AND PRAY FOR RAIN. RAIN'S SWEET DROPLETS TO SANITIZE OUR FORGETFULNESS...OF OUR PROMISE TO EACH OTHER?!

i feel so....deserted. not lonely but deserted....i know my quest. my path is just and possible. i only wish that others thought theirs were too.

or was that it?

did they really not care anymore or did they not care at all from the beginning? maybe i was the only one who thought we could come out victorious? to rise above. to rise to the occassion that had presented itself and spit in the eye of "NO!" AND "YOU'RE NOT STRONG ENOUGH"

maybe i just held it dear...maybe

maybe....i had to. maybe that's all i had....maybe that's all i have.

i feel like a knight in armor....garments beaten and weathered. i walk in sand, wind hitting me in the face and somehow behind me i can see the footsteps of those who had once fought with me in the sand. and now i can see their figures fade in the distance with the sand not fighting them...but still me.

i'm dragging my sword...trying to shelter myself with my battered shield....the tears sting with heat and then freeze to my face.

i have to.......all is falling away....why?

why did they not hang in there...why did they not tell me when they were beginning to falter? why did they not listen to my warnings? i wanted to help...and not....i'm isolated. deserted without a care.....we were in it together....or so i thought.

NOW I'M HERE.

trying

i find myself consistantly placing effort in places that leave me in places i find...disrutive in my ...being. being sweptaside doesn't make anyone feel good.

a horizon

yep, it's becoming on of those times when i can say things are really....well, coming along alright.

those paths that you thought were for greater men..well it's an overwelming prospect to think that you should find yourseld treding that same path. ..or atleast atempting. i think i wake up 95% - 98% of my mornings thinking of how far i've come. as a person, a girl(or woman but i don't think i'm ready for that title just yet), and state of mind...my morals which are always forcing me to choose the later road no matter how rocky the ...foot..work? uhmm.....anyways. it seems to be my lot in life to always try to better myself....
i've had the great privilege to have been taught or been surrounded by some of the greatest minds of the everyday and beyond life. those people shape my way of thinking that seems to never end.....it's funny but even now i think, "i wonder what person i'm going to meet next?" " how will they influence me?" "will it be for good ...or for evil?" " or will it phase into those gray matters that we dare not venture into?"
for sometime i thought of people as information that in someway can get me closer to that "better" self. i know of my damons and insecurities.. those things that make you hardly face yourself....i suppose that in some light like all people i fear myself. those great powers that i posses for great good or great evil. it's natural thing i suppose....but should a child fear such things? should they be aware of such dangerous and cautionary road blocks? i'm not sure in the sense that all people are different and who really knows. however, i can only.....
for almost really..all my life i've had a sense of self based on..things i've seen, things..that i admire..words, i've read but i noticed that in my mind ihad an idea of what i think i appear as. but it seems that even as i get older. i still feel like i'm reaquainting myself with my face and appear everytime i look in the mirror. my projection of myself isn't exactly worped. it's more like i have a sense in a more sensation..or thoughts of myself. the person i think i am...is usually a bit diferent than what i actually come out to be.
i guess that i still have more to work on as does anyone i suppose. the working towards that "better" self..it's pretty funny. but i can say that everyday i keep the memory of what i look like in my head the moe in someway i'm not surprised by what i see in the mirror. and i'm becoming to associate myself with "myself" more and find that self to be the self that i imagine to be.

so i suppose every morning i wake up.. thinking 95%- 98% on my purpose and what is that is....i guess sooner or later who i am on't be in the conversation.